Voicemail/IC Contact

[neurotoxined]

[VOICE/TEXT/VIDEO; OPEN TO ALL]

"Hello - you have reached the personal voicemail inbox of INSERT NAME HERE; they're not available right now, but please leave your name, number and a brief message, and they'll get back to you as soon as they can.

In the event of an emergency, hang up and dial whatever authorities may be available to help you with your crisis. In the event that there are no authorities, may whatever God you believe in help you because there's a good chance that INSERT NAME HERE can't help you either. If the world has fallen under martial law, become a police state and/or has otherwise become a dystopia, please be aware that Big Brother may be watching you for quality assurance purposes.

Thank you for your interest in contacting INSERT NAME HERE; have a nice day, and remember, 'science' rhymes with 'compliance'!"

[Please state in the subject line if OOC planning is preferred and we can handwave like the wind, but otherwise IC will be assumed!]

Comments

[doitrockapella]

Did you have a good Christmas, Caroline?

[neurotoxined]

It was good. Enough.

[Read: People got her things. It was confusing.]

And yours?

[doitrockapella]

I loved your gift. Where did you ever get the idea for that?

[BECAUSE THAT'S NOT A CONSPICUOUS PAST TENSE AT ALL...]

[neurotoxined]

It's a Companion Cube. All of our test subjects get one. They exist to help the subjects complete tests, and possibly love them despite not being sentient.

Either way, it will never stab you and it shouldn't talk. If it starts talking, notify me immediately.

[doitrockapella]

I...don't foresee that being a problem, no.

[...UM. How do you...even...lead into...]

How do they help complete tests?

[neurotoxined]

The same way all cubes help complete tests. You put them on buttons and abandon them. Or you throw them into an incinerator and burn them. To death.

Despite them not being alive.

[doitrockapella]

...

So they love you and you're supposed to abandon them and burn them to death.

[neurotoxined]

Maybe they love you. Maybe they don't. Who knows? It's a cube, no one asks it what it thinks.

Probably due to the whole not-talking-to-you thing they do.

They sing, though. Some of the ones in the lab, I mean. They make humming sounds when you pick them up, if you listen carefully enough.

[doitrockapella]

So you have more of them? Than just the one you gave me?

[neurotoxined]

Oh yes. They're useful but ultimately disposable. They just sit there, really. They probably want you to love them, if they want anything at all. But they're mostly just there to spend time with you and be carried around and do what you need them to do, exactly like the best friend you never knew you needed. And then they're burned up once you're done with them, exactly like the best friend you threw into an incinerator like the heartless person that you are.

Why do you ask?

[doitrockapella]

[...dammit.]

I was wondering if I might be able to get a...replacement.

There was a mishap with the one you sent.

[neurotoxined]

Oh, what did you even do.

[doitrockapella]

I didn't do anything!

...

It was an accident.

[neurotoxined]

You wouldn't need a replacement if you didn't do anything.

What happened to it?

1/4

[doitrockapella]

I dropped it.

[doitrockapella]

[...]

[doitrockapella]

[..................]

[doitrockapella]

Into a volcano.

[neurotoxined]

[wh-

you

but you

...oh my god how

okay look the how probably isn't important

what's important is that you seriously just - ]

Well, congratulations. That's probably some sort of new record. You weren't even testing with it, and you managed to use it exactly for its intended purpose.

Well done, and good job. I'll be sure to send cake with your replacement. I'd offer grief counseling, but I don't think anyone's available for that.

[doitrockapella]

What do you mean, good job? A minute ago you were saying it was my best friend and that bit about throwing it into an incinerator like a heartless person.

[neurotoxined]

Everyone throws it into an incinerator like a heartless person.

Unless they really don't want to complete the test. At which point they can be friends with it forever and just sit in the testing track until they die. Or something. I wouldn't know, I've never had anyone try that.

[doitrockapella]

...You didn't really have that in mind when you sent it to me, though, did you?

[neurotoxined]

Well, no. I wasn't expecting that.

[doitrockapella]

I suppose I always was one to exceed expectations.

I hope it's all right that I don't...incinerate the replacement?

[neurotoxined]

Do whatever you want with it. It's your friend, not mine.

Maybe this one will be around long enough to sing for you. If it hears something like that enough, anyway.